I cockslap morals
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
