I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
