I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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