I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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