i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
