If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
