Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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