my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
