Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
