i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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