There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize