This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
