She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
