i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
