I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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