I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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