You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
