I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
