He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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