Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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