He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
