As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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