Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
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I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
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It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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