the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
