the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
