A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
