Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
