If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
