The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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