I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Let's get the cat blown out
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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