I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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