My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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