there's paper in my vomit.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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