these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
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