Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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