So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
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my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
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Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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