The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize