On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
two words: eviction party
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
