Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize
