i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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