Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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