laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
