She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
