i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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