she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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