Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
