I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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