don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
