so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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