I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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