Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
