opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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