When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
