walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
