When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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