Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
